I am not exactly what you might call a laid-back person.
You know, that whole personality trait where you can let things go easily, you don’t stress out, you don’t get worked up? Not me. This is shocking to you, I’m sure, given the level of enthusiasm I’ve been expressing for the past week over all my various birthday activities, haha. I just run a little more emotionally high than some people.
Normally, the whole excited-about-everything-good-and-bad thing works for me! While I’m generally always riding the line of being stressed out about SOMETHING, I’ve never had a particular problem with managing it. I’ve never had to deal with stress or anxiety on a large scale. Which is probably how it should be because, let’s face it, I live a relatively stress-free life. I don’t live in a warzone, I don’t have a chronic illness or an incredibly demanding job. I’m certainly not rolling in cash monies, but I’m no longer carrying around any credit card debt and I still live a very enjoyable life on my budget. I have a supportive family, great friends, a wonderful boyfriend, and two epic mini schnauzers. Okay, now it just sounds like I’m bragging, hahaha.
The point I’m trying to (rather unsuccessfully) make is that yes, while I have my share of days that are full of pressing deadlines and less-than-ideal circumstances, it’s never been something that a hot shower or pedicure or heart-pumping sweat session or trip to the dog park or 8 full hours of sleep hasn’t been able to fix. But lately, increasingly so in the past few days, I’ve been feeling really anxious. About everything. About nothing. It’s a strange, new, and uncomfortable state for me to be in. I find my breath hitching when I’m doing nothing but sitting at my desk writing emails. My heart starts racing and my palms begin to sweat when I’m cooking dinner. And I don’t really know how to deal with it appropriately.
I can’t really pinpoint what is it that has me on such high alert lately. Yes, there are a few things on my mind, what with my recent potential career change decision, the Reach the Beach relay (both the logistics/travel/planning for it and the thought of actually, y’know, running it), and, as always, my weight loss progress (or current lack thereof). But these things have been subjects of thought for a while now, so why is it only now that my body feels like it’s physically rejecting them? All I know right now is that despite yesterday consisting of a massage AND a sweaty Zumba session AND a hot shower afterward, I only felt better for like, 4 hours. I slept fitfully and woke up feeling as anxious as I did the day before. My brain is a douchebag.
As you can imagine, my weigh-in for today didn’t exactly help alleviate my feelings of anxiety this morning. I posed a question on Facebook yesterday to gauge whether or not I would be severely judged for skipping my weigh-in (again) in the name of birthday glory (again), and while some of you gracious souls did give me the go-ahead to skip, more of you ended up convincing me to just do it and get it over with. The not-knowing would probably have caused me even more stress in the long run anyway…
… Or not. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Well, you guys are always telling me not to be too hard on myself (“I suck!” “How can I call myself a weight loss blogger?!” I’ve wasted a year with all this yo-yoing!”) and I’m always telling myself to stop making excuses (“It was my birthday!” “I drank! A lot!” “Sodium! Alcohol! Sugar!”), so in the spirit of compromise I won’t do either. I’ll just say that it is what it is, and if I got to do my week of birthday debauchery all over again, I’m sure I would. I’ve been pretty good about eating cleanly and exercising since the party so hopefully in another week I’ll be back down a few libbies.
You’re also always encouraging me to stop with the negative self-talk, so in that spirit I’ll simply re-post this photo from Saturday, which I love:
And remind myself that 190+ might still be a little lumpy but, all things considered, it doesn’t look all that bad.