Reflection

First, and foremost:

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have no idea how much your kind words of support and encouragement in response to my bare all (literally!) progress pics page mean to me. You guys really are the best, and I am so grateful to have your continued enthusiasm and support as I continue this journey (and hello? So wouldn’t have made it this far without you!)

Secondly, you shall observe:

A little Mulan love, please? I promise that this will be relevant…ish. Yesterday was a big day of self-reflection for me, for obvious reasons. Celebrating my blogiversary was (is?) a really exciting thing, and a milestone I’m thrilled to achieve, but I spent most of the day freaking out about the other page that went up in conjunction and didn’t really get to enjoy it.

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Guess it really is a good thing we had a preemptive family celebration on Sunday, eh?

I mean, it’s understandable, right? I did post pictures of myself at my most vulnerable. I was 246 lbs, forcing myself to take a photo of myself in a bikini for posterity. You probably can’t tell in the picture itself, but I was bawling mere moments before taking it. And probably for several hours after.

Don’t get me wrong! I am glad I took the photos, and have this physical record of the changes that I’ve made over the past year. Even though I know I look different — I see pictures, and I do hear what people say, sometimes it’s still hard to see. Living in my body, seeing myself in the mirror every day, it’s not as easy for me to accept that I don’t look like that anymore. That I’m not really even that person anymore. But I have changed. I am changed.

Chillin
December 2009

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The family with my cousin Christine this past Saturday

Logically, I know this: I see the numbers on the scale and I am cognizant of the fact that they are lower than they used to be. This is a fact.

Mentally, I know this: I feel the fit of my pants. I witness the piles of clothes stacking up outside my bedroom door that are too big to wear. I see the number on the tag and I realize it is lower than it used to be. These are facts.

But emotionally? It’s still hard to really see myself. As I am. All that I am. Here, now. To see my new reflection: as the girl I’ve always been inside, hiding behind the wall and under the fat.

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Oh, Caribbean cruise… so wise. I think I need to go back. Stat.

See? I told you it’d end up being relevant, hehe. You gotta have a little faith in me, folks — I always bring it full circle!

So yes, Mulan is obviously my favorite Disney princess because, uh, duh? She’s A…wesome. C’mon, what did you think I was gonna say? Bahaha.

Okay, seriously. Disney movies will always be loved and adored because they remind us of the things we most want to see in ourselves. The ability to stand up for what’s right. To stand up for ourselves. For good to always, always conquer evil.

So taking a tip from my homegirl from my homeland (well, half of it anyway), I’m going to try harder to really see myself. As vain as that may sound, heh.

Before I let you go, can we please just acknowledge that the best song in that movie is obviously this one:

As you’ve gone along in your weight loss or fitness journey, have you ever found it hard to accept or recognize the progress you’ve made for yourself?

Don’t worry if you have, Mister. I’ll make a man out of you.